I have a friend who has two angel babies, ones that didn't get to stay on earth and are waiting for her in heaven. I cannot imagine how that feels, the horror of empty arms, longing to hold the precious miracle you were promised. Yet even in my complete lack of understanding, the struggles I watch her going through in so many ways echo with mine.
Neither of us know why we are here. There was no accident that caused this situation. There are things that we could have done differently, and we will always be plagued with "if only", but we both know that this is the path that God put us on, and He is the only one who knows why.
The pain keeps us both up at night, and haunts us every day. We try to distract ourselves, to not feel the agony for a brief second, but it is always right there. Some days we look fantastic, and people assume that we have gotten over it, but that is their wishful thinking, really they are the days that we are lying the best.
We both research, ways that others have coped in our situation, but the problem is no-one has ever lived our *exact* situation, and the solutions are never quite one-size-fits-all.
This is where the similarities end. I have finally had a scan that shows the problems with the nerves in my legs!! I truly don't know why I wasn't offered this ultrasound years ago, but I have had it done. I have a doctor that has told me he is willing to do a peroneal nerve release at the fibular head. This is the same doctor that did my ulnar nerve release, and I woke from surgery in less pain than when I went under, so I am expecting amazing things from this surgery. I will have my life back!!
But I pray that I will never forget this pain.
And I feel guilty that I have an end in sight, when my dear friend will live with her loss forever.
So I pray for her. I pray that the days where the effort to get out of bed in the morning is too great to overcome will become fewer and further between. I pray that her nights will be filled with more restful sleep, that the darkness will no longer be filled with the loneliness of desperation. I pray that people will remember her precious babies forever, and stop expecting her to "get over it" and stop giving her shallow platitudes that cannot ever hope to fill the gaping hole in her heart. And I pray especially that her pain will lessen, that it will be less raw. But I actually also pray that it will stay with her, that her angel babies will always be a very real part of her. Because that is what makes her so admirable.
Today I am thankful for the pain because with it, I have gotten to have a glimpse into her heart, to actually be alongside her and hurt with her. I know that this is something we are going through together, and that it has made us so much closer than either of us ever imagined. I just wish that could have happened without hurting so much!!
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